Enneagram 5 and 9 relationship killers

Relationship Type 5 with Type 9 — The Enneagram Institute

enneagram 5 and 9 relationship killers

Oct 24, Quotes about the Enneagram and by teachers such as Don Riso, Russ Hudson, Happy Life, Picture Quotes, Insight, Relationships, Spirituality, The Happy Life, Spiritual . A.H. Almaas - #Enneagram - Be sure to check out these 9 free Enneagram videos .. Enneagram Type 4 with a 5 Wing This is Moi :). Find helpful customer reviews and review ratings for Enneagram: The Secret Way Your Personality Type and Strengthen Relationships to Achieve Spiritual Growth 9 to 5 Day Job Killer: How to Make Money at Home and Quit Your Job in a. What Each Type Brings to the Relationship. An Enneagram Five/Nine pair gives each other a great deal of personal and emotional space for activities and for.

Fives usually feel dry and cut off from emotional sustenance; if they find this in someone, it is likely to be a Nine who can offer unquestioned acceptance, sensual comfort, and tenderness. Nines often make Fives relax-deeply and completely, something Fives very much need. Both types have an intellectual component and if they are more or less on an intellectual par with each other, they can be a powerful and stimulating couple: Both appreciate the irrational and the absurd, although Fives dig far deeper into the dark areas of life than Nines.

This pair can be a case of two people initiating the other into very different world views: Potential Trouble Spots or Issues Tensions between Fives and Nines can begin to grow as a result of the very amount of space that each is willing and able to give the other. Both are highly aware of boundaries and of feeling pressured or intruded on by anyone, and so both tend to expect an unusual degree of independence from the other and to give a large degree of freedom to the other without being asked.

Supportive structure, clarity, industry and effort, conscientiousness, improvement and fairness in orientation. Pick up your own pace. Take positions and make initiatives. Face anger and conflict. Type 2, the Giver, with Another Type 2 Synergies and Challenges Key Conflicts Givers join together in valuing a focus on relationships and in appreciating the nurturing quality and sensitivity to feelings in each other.

Having little awareness of their own needs, however, they may become overly solicitous with each other, compete for approval, and feel unappreciated, unfulfilled, and ironically unconnected. Failure to get into the natural flow of giving and receiving, can lead to emotional upset and to who is dependent on whom.

Ultimately hurt feelings may then ensue leading to angry, emotional outbursts and ultimately to withdrawal or rejection. There just may not be enough flow of giving and receiving to sustain the relationship.

Relationship Development for Givers with Givers: Pride connected to giving leading to tendency to be overly helpfuldifficulty receiving, inattention to own needs, anger when needs go unmet or when feeling unappreciated, over-connection in relationships, and unhealthy focus on gaining approval.

What to Appreciate in Other Givers. Helpfulness, relationship orientation, genuine care and support, positivity, flexibility, and sensitivity to feelings. Express own needs and desires directly and encourage other Giver to do the same.

Practice getting into the natural flow of giving and receiving. Conflict occurs when Givers experience Performers as discounting feelings and relationship issues, while Performers experience Givers as getting off task and wanting too much time and attention.

A cycle of increasing conflict can result with the two types polarizing — the Giver feeling rejected, getting emotional, and emoting anger and with the Performer feeling unrecognized and impatient and then disappearing into work. This pattern can result in withdrawal and eventually in alienation end to the relationship. Positive accomplishment orientation, enthusiasm, hopefulness, efficiency, and material support.

Balance relationship and goal orientations. Moderate shared characteristics of intensity, positivity, fast pace, and active force.

Directly express own needs and desires. Work on developing receptive force of simply being present in the moment. Inattention to feelings, excessive focus on work and accomplishments, desire for recognition, and shared focus of wanting approval and constructing a good image. Support and care, relationship orientation, generosity, positivity, flexibility, and sensitivity to the needs and feelings of others. Balance goal and relationship orientations.

Pay attention to own deeper needs and desires. Type 2, the Giver, and Type 4, the Romantic Synergies and Challenges Key Conflicts Givers try to satisfy the apparently needy Romantics, attempting to fulfill their needs. They can get caught up in the emotions and intensity of Romantics and lose their own sense of separateness. This cycle could lead to an unraveling of the relationship. Tendency to overdo helpfulness, desire to keep life up, difficulty with deep and darker feelings, and need for appreciation, approval, and attention.

Intensity, relationship orientation, idealization of what could be, depth of feelings, empathy, and authenticity. Practice steadiness since both types fluctuate emotionally. Work on becoming more self-directed and holding ground, especially in the presence of strong emotions and dissatisfaction. Express own desires and needs. Remind the Romantic of what is positive and present. Need to feel special, not feeling satisfied or complete resulting in fluctuating emotions, tendency toward self-absorption and amplification of feelings, and difficulty appreciating what is present and positive.

Giving and caring quality, positive image, enthusiasm, desire to bring happiness, active forward moving energy, and flexibility.

Work on assisting Givers in referencing to their own needs. Show appreciation and gratitude for the positives in life and for what Givers provide. This relationship is truly an attraction of opposites. However, in wanting more connection and acknowledgement, Givers try to bring Observers forward into feelings and more sustained contact. Then Givers active energy can feel intrusive, overly emotional, and demanding to Observers, who then contracts and disengages.

Angry outbursts, alienation, and even disruption of the relationship can ensue. Tendency to overdo helpfulness and become intrusive and over emotional, need for appreciation, approval and attention, and difficulty sustaining a separate or independent self. Develop own autonomy or independence and inner life. Work on moderating claims for time, energy, and connection.

Encourage the Observer to move forward into life and feelings. Positivity and support, open-heartedness, engagement in life, social skills, generosity, and relationship focus. Move into feelings and stay engaged in life. Allow for dependency and nurturance. Thus, while appreciating Givers support and care, Loyal Skeptics may back off from or confront what they experience as too much attention. A cycle of escalating conflict can result polarizing the situation with the Loyal Skeptic getting accusatory and the Giver getting emotional.

Withdrawal can ensue as one or the other or both types attempt to reduce distress. Eventually, this pattern can cause a lasting disruption of the relationship. Tendency to overdo helpfulness, intrusive behavior, need for approval and attention, hidden dependence, and tendency to over influence with emotions. Questioning mind, healthy skepticism, loyalty, concern for underdogs, analytic skills, warmth, and endurance.

Notice and moderate intrusiveness the big forward-moving energyemotional claims, and helpfulness. Practice directness in expressing own needs and desires.

Positivity and support, open-heartedness, responsiveness, genuine caring, generosity, and sensitivity to others. Claim own authority and boundaries. State what actually is needed and desired.

Encourage Giver to express own autonomy, needs, and desires.

enneagram 5 and 9 relationship killers

Reduce the tendency to magnify what can go wrong. Type 2, the Giver, and Type 7, the Epicure Synergies and Challenges Key Conflicts Both types enjoy the strengths they share in common — especially flexibility, friendliness and the love of freedom and the good life. However, Givers can find Epicures overly self-referencing and self-serving, hence not paying enough attention to the relationship or sufficiently reciprocating in give and take.

Givers can then feel neglected and unappreciated and become emotional, demanding, and guilt provoking. Epicures, on the other hand, can find Givers overly focused on others, intrusive, and too needy of attention.

A cycle of ever-increasing conflict can occur as the Epicure, feeling smothered and limited, can respond with escapism and rationalization and the Giver with angry outbursts and emotionality, possibly resulting in alienation and deterioration and even destruction of the relationship.

Disowned needs and desires, preoccupation with relationship and connection, and tendency to become inadvertently emotionally controlling. The many interests and ideas, healthy self-interest, idealism, flexibility, and the shared optimism and quest for happiness Key Tasks for Building and Sustaining Relationship.

enneagram 5 and 9 relationship killers

Develop autonomy the separate or independent self. Work on providing the Epicure with space while maintaining connection. Express own deeper feelings, needs, and desires. Allow for slowing pace and increasing receptive force. Avoidance of painful feelings, difficulty accepting naturally occurring limits, tendency to avoid emotional commitment, and self-referencing to own interests and ideas.

Giving and caring nature, strong relationship focus, generosity, and the shared optimism and quest for happiness Key Tasks for Building and Sustaining Relationship. Commit to the relationship while asserting boundaries. Allow in feelings and concerns. In turn, the Protector often resists the influence and may react to feeling contained or manipulated with more confrontation and anger. Feeling rejected and devalued, the Giver may withdraw or burst out in anger and emotion.

This all can result in a deep rift in the relationship and repeated cycles of uncontained reactivity leading to destruction of the relationship.

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Failure to focus on and express own needs, habit of altering to please, desire for attention and approval, intrusiveness, and potentially inadvertent emotionally manipulative behavior designed to soften and modify Protectors. What to Appreciate in Protectors. Power and strength, assertiveness, encouragement and support of desires, zest for life, directness, and protectiveness.

Practice holding ground, expressing self directly, and claiming own needs. Work at accepting, not changing, the Protector. Develop the separate or independent self. Become aware of and moderate intrusiveness and emotionality that the Protector experiences as controlling.

Genuine care, helpfulness and willingness to give, sensitivity regarding feelings and relationships, and positive active energy. Develop sensitivity to feelings and allow in own vulnerabilities. Manage energy expression and boundaries.

Type 2, the Giver, and Type 9, the Mediator Synergies and Challenges Key Conflicts Givers and Mediators get along well together because they both are sensitive, pleasing, helpful, and accommodating.

But conflict arises when Givers become overly helpful and intrusive in an effort to get Mediators to set priorities, take initiatives, and say what they need even though Givers have great difficulty themselves with experiencing what they need.

When this pattern persists, the relationship can deteriorate and even dissolve. Steadiness, patience, genuine care, acceptance of life, empathy, and the tendency to counter active energy with a slower pace and relaxed attitude.

Notice and moderate emotions, pace, amount of advice. Develop and express own separate and independent self. Work at personal priorities and needs and encourage the Mediator to do likewise. Genuine care, helpfulness, empathy, sensitivity regarding feelings, liveliness, and positive active energy.

Work on own priorities, personal boundaries, and needs and encourage the Giver to do likewise. Take responsibility for own part in conflict. Be willing to confront intrusion and over giving. They can live parallel yet supportive lives with each taking on the tasks necessary to function and attain goals.

They may even become competitive, experience one another as obstacles in the path of attainment and success, and feel insufficiently recognized. A cycle of ever-increasing conflict can result when this occurs. Then each can get frustrated, impatient, angry, and distance himself or herself from each other, leading to alienation and distant co-existence or dissolution of the relationship.

Inattention to feelings and relationship issues, excessive focus on work and accomplishments, desire for too much recognition, and difficulty slowing pace. What to Appreciate in Other Performers. Notice pace and moderate pace and allow in the receptive force. Encourage expression of feelings in each other associated with the development of the receptive force.

Type 5 Enneagram - The Wise and Private One - Karen Armstrong - Inside Out - Newmarket Ontario

Create time for non-work related activities and simply the relationship. Recognize that love comes from being, not doing. Performers wanting approval try harder, yet often still disappoint the Romantic who pursues the ideal relationship. This pattern can result in a sustained gulf between them and even lead to dissolution of the relationship.

Idealism, deep feelings, sensitivity to others, creative disposition, and quest for authenticity and depth. Allow self to experience depth of true feelings and more receptive force.

Pay attention to and support the relationship. Attention going to what is missing rather than what is present, imbalance regarding feeling versus doing preoccupation with feelings and sometimes inattention to doingdesire for more attention and special treatment, and tendency to become self-centered.

Support for action, sustained effort, optimism, practicality, goal focus, and competence. Stay active and present even when feeling deficient. Balance the human feeling side of endeavors with action. Acknowledge own sense of wanting more attention and depth. Type 3, the Performer, and Type 5, the Observer Synergies and Challenges Key Conflicts Performers and Observers support each other in work projects and shared activities.

Righteous judgement becomes wrath, clear- eyed humanitarianism becomes tight lipped bigotry, an inflexible inability to countenance differing opinion, as well as admit to being in error. Unhealthy Ones can be terrifying in their lack of empathy, dismissing those who they deem incorrect or inferior as a mere flaw in the pattern and worthy of contempt and dismissal.

The danger here for the One is that their high ethics demand that they rationalize their actions, and can therefore look for and see only justification for their behaviour; this can lead to an unflinching demonization of their perceived enemies, untouched by compassion, empathy or any notion of shared humanity.

Also, the 9 wing softens the severity of the One, and this type can be playful, engaging and easy to get along with. Members of this subtype often have an almost otherworldly sang froid, maintaining an impassive demeanour in even the most trying circumstances. As the unconscious Nine tends towards negligence and inconsistency, this subtype is in danger of lapsing into a hypocritical lack of self- awareness, with the critical One issuing edicts on the failings of others whilst omitting themselves from any judgement, becoming pompous and supercilious, lacking in compassion and resolutely indifferent to their own shortcomings.

At this stage, the resentment and indirect aggression of the Nine is ignited by the righteous wrath of the One, with this subtype resemble a rumbling volcano that flares up with frightening flashes of temper, all the more destructive for the weight of repressed emotion that is finally unleashed.

The 1 With A 2 Wing; The Crusader This subtype combines the objective, de- personalized approach of the One with the subjective, interrelating tendency of the Two, leading to highly conscientious and emotionally complex individuals who are perhaps the most idealistically driven of all personality types. As both the One and the Two are concerned with being in the right, often reluctant to admit to being at fault or subject to personal prejudices and desires, it can be difficult to call this subtype to task, or get them to acknowledge errors or selfish motivations.

Advice Embrace humility and accept fallibility. Quite simply, no society is imaginable without the energy, consideration, and the desire for union embodied by the tactile type Two. In the case of the former, we see the protective maternal figure, the heart and hearth of the family, dispensing practical and moral support, wisdom and nurturing.

There is often a histrionic quality to Twos that makes them natural performers and singers, an ability to put a supercharged emotionality into their expression that can connect in an immediate manner.

Likewise Twos are often highly entertaining bon vivants and raconteurs, larger than life and with a gift for outrageous and often hilarious conversation.

Said hostility can often manifest itself in subtle put- downs and competitiveness. Like Ones, Twos can have problems accepting their being in the wrong, and of recognizing selfish or unhealthy motivations, especially as they believe all their actions to be for the benefit of the other. Ironically, Twos at this stage alienate and antagonize those closest to them, putting themselves in the position of being a hindrance rather than a help, unreasonable, demanding and controlling, ever ready to remind others of their selflessness, generosity and self- sacrifice.

Subtypes The 2 With A 1 Wing; The Nurturer This subtype exhibits many of the traits generally associated with the type One, conscientiousness, reasonableness, and the desire to promote justice on a local or global scale.

Though still primarily an emotional, engaging type, Twos with a 1 wing appear more reserved, introspective and intellectually-concerned than the vivacious and expressive 3 wing subtype. There is, like the type One, a strong concern with integrity, allied with a desire to protect the vulnerable and nurture the needy. Type One contributes an ability to employ reason, as well as the distance to adjudge situations objectively that, combined with the emotionally attuned nature of the Two, endows this subtype with an ability to express themselves articulately, yet with passion.

Bestowed with a universal concern, this subtype often focus their emotions outward to the end of a cause, where their clear, reasoned thinking allies superbly with their compassionate natures, making for dedicated, effective campaigners, conscientious teachers and social reformers. Self aware and empathic, this subtype is especially suited to careers in counselling, care- giving and the nurturing of the vulnerable. At this stage, they may have difficulty letting grievances go, identifying themselves as selfless victims and unable to recognize, let alone acknowledge, their own selfish motivations.

The 2 With A 3 Wing; The Hostess This subtype tends to be more numerous and conveys the archetypal Two traits of gregariousness, flirtatiousness and great personal charm. The 3 wing lends this type a vivacity, verve and social instinct, making them popular and generally in demand. Members of this subtype are natural entertainers, and usually have a playful, even histrionic, quality that makes them stimulating and highly entertaining company. The TV chat- show host is a typical occupation of this subtype, where warmth, human interest and playful banter combines with name- dropping narcissism and reflected glory.

Advice Acknowledge and accept your own needs, and try not to define yourself entirely by your perceived value to others. Threes are single- minded, pragmatic and goal- oriented, unhindered by self- consciousness or self- doubt, as well as exceptionally capable of projecting the most suitable image of themselves in order to attain their ends.

These are charmers, often strikingly attractive, embodying conventional ideals of beauty and grace, being all things to all people. The combination of drive, energy, ambition, as well as a flexible and practical recognition of how things work, can make Threes inspiring models of capability, excellence and success. They are able to raise the bar and, when healthy altruists, can be inspiring embodiments of achievement, self- transcendence, perseverance and perspicacity.

It often appears to Threes that unless they are constantly being appraised, ostensibly succeeding or highly desirable, that they are failing and perhaps unworthy of love. Of all types, the Three tends to be the most emotionally remote and can have difficulties with identity and recognizing what they are actually feeling.

Being brilliant at almost anything they turn their hand to, the average Three can have problems locating who they really are and what they actually feel. There is a danger that, with the constant projection of an ideal, the Three loses their sense of self and, by extension, any emotional or compassionate connection with those around them.

Relationships (Type Combinations) — The Enneagram Institute

Indeed, when denied acclaim or recognition, unhealthy Threes can be downright dangerous. Subtypes The 3 With A 2 Wing; The Transgressor This subtype is extremely rare and bears some of the traits of the type Two, insofar as there is a marked concern with interpersonal relationships as opposed to public recognitionespecially those of a sexual nature. Unlike the charming and aesthetically- minded 4 wing, whose focus is on the world of impersonal, large scale acclaim, Threes with a 2 wing tend to direct their attentions to a single, often intensely private end, be it a person or an idea.

With the feeling instincts of the Two complimenting the emotional detachment of the Three, members of this subtype are, when healthy, bravely able to delve into and explore the most hidden realms of human desires and consciousness, with the "human interests" of the former informing the inquisitive pragmatism of the latter. This fascination with hidden, distorted and often disturbing aspects of human nature is pertinent to this particular subtype.

The 3 With A 4 Wing; The Superstar This subtype is much more common and tends to embody the more obvious Three characteristics of charm, ostensible achievement and narcissism. Amis utilizes bejewelled, eviscerating prose, for which he has been accused of employing style over substance.

Advice Appreciate the abilities you have, regardless of status, and without needing to measure yourself against the achievements of others. Fours are primarily interested in their inner landscape, imagination and personal codes of reference. Emotional, sensitive and intuitive, they are especially capable of giving form to hitherto vague or hidden sensations and feelings.

Fours are unconventional, misfits by design; many, having being in some way singled out for this, make a virtue of their apartness, revelling in a certain contrariness, both as a means of defiant self- assertion and protective self- concealment. Equally they might appear dramatic, larger- than life and gregarious.

For this, many may suspect the Four of being pretentious, and interpret their theatrical manner and poetic turn of phrase as being contrived. This, however, is seldom the case, as Fours are deeply concerned with authenticity, and tend to despise phoniness and protocols. Thus, many have problems reconciling the yawning gap between their soaring highs and fearful lows.

Indeed, considering their sensitivity and shyness, Fours can often betray an almost confrontational demeanour, though the latter has less to do with a naturally combative streak than with the need to defend themselves against perceived threats or slights. Despite, or perhaps because of their deep sensitivity, Fours can be extremely funny, entertaining and lovable, endearingly honest about their own failings and tolerant and empathic to those of others, lending them, when healthy, excellent communication skills and the ability comprehend others at a profound level.

Natural Romantics, Fours appear both to themselves and others as being apart and somehow above the fray, idealizing childhood realms of make- believe and seeking solace from the harsh demands of the real world. The hazard for Fours is that, as their dream world becomes increasingly rich, their practical world, that of actual physical achievement, can appear at best substandard, and at worst, a mocking insult to the beauty and perfection of their imaginings.

At this stage the Four may become dangerously withdrawn, alternating feverish fantasies, often aided by alcohol and drugs, with periods of lacerating self- loathing. The flawed feelings conspire with those of failure and potential unrealised and, at this stage, mental and emotional breakdown or suicide are very possible. Subtypes Type 4 With A 3 Wing; The Aristocrat This type is less common than the 5 wing, and in many respects, resembles the type 3 in that there is a marked concern with prestige, status and with what seems, in terms of popular acclaim, to succeed.

Sociable, friendly and talkative, this type is a lot more accessible, physically and emotionally, than the enigmatic 5 subtype, and are usually endowed with a witty, playful sense of humour and warm personal style. In some respects this subtype can resemble Twos with a 3 wing, being charming, engaging and interpersonal, but also in their feeling put upon, undervalued, and taken for granted.

Both subtypes of the Four are given to self- pity and whining, the difference being 5 wings feel aggrieved by an abstract sense of alienation and neglect, whereas 3 wings feel a deficit of appreciation and respect in both their personal and professional relationships and are, therefore, inclined to actively petition for feedback, acclaim and encouragement.

If unhealthy, this subtype can be elitist and snobbishly dismissive of that which doesn't, by their reckoning, "make the grade" and can even be two- faced, in order to present themselves in a more favourable light.

Often practical and tuned into popular culture, artists of this subtype tend to tailor their work to an existing audience, astutely noting what seems to work and positioning themselves accordingly, rather than trying to create a unique, unproven niche.