Long-Separated Half Brother And Sister Meet For First Time At SFO « CBS San Francisco
SFO (KPIX 5) — A Virginia man flew into San Francisco International Airport Sunday to meet a long-lost half sister for the first time in six. As you might have heard on-air Monday, I had quite the weekend. I met my half- sister Mandi for the very first time. Allow me to give you some. Photo: Half-sisters Hazel Clery (L) and Suzanne Burdon were living on Earshot meets two women who discovered they were half-sisters in.
She wasn't conceived until after my parents divorced so my parents relationship wasn't affected by the news. And maybe because of that I didn't feel like my dad had lied to me for years by keeping it a secret. I was also previously the youngest sibling and it felt somewhat adventerous to now have a younger sister when before I had only older brothers.
Half Sisters Meet for the First Time – After 85 Years
We started our contact by chatting online before we met in person so it was much more low-key than meeting in person. Our personalities meshed pretty well and we've since met repeatedly. In fact, she is fully intergrated into my father's side of the family. I'd see her much more often but I live several states away and visiting anyone is a major undertaking. As for your situation: You're all adults so it will be different from my relationship to my sister.
The fact that she's older than you will make things different. The fact that she has children will be different. You don't mention genders of you or your siblings but that will surely affect things. Maybe your politics are different! In short, you might mesh, you might not. And so, if and when you do make contact try not to expect anything specific. She's a stranger to you, and you to her. But some strangers can become friends. And some friends can become like family.
Half-sisters discover 'strange similarities' after finding each other as adults
And if they already are family, so much the better. Oh dear God, I sincerely hope he didn't sit all of you down and tell all of you including your mother at the same time. I basically arrived to say what ImproviseorDie said - that the resources around LDA and adult reunification may be the closest applicable resources available.
They're going to be flawed for your purposes but the various reunification paths and outcomes may provide you with some insight in your own situation. I am somewhat familiar with aspects of this, as my husband was reunited with his birth mother and her family husband [not my husband's father] and two adult children at the age of One sibling has been receptive and warm, the other less so. The broader family cousins, aunts, grandparents has been beyond welcoming.
A few things occur to me particularly. One, you dad has held all of the cards and all of the information for a long time. For him to continue to try to force you to meet your sister on his schedule is inappropriate. You are adults, able to broker your own relationship without going through him.
I would encourage you to do so. Two, it is possible that this will be a good experience for you. Meeting my husband's half brothers has been extraordinary. I mean I know there's a huge debate about nature vs nurture but holy crap - in their case, the genetics certainly won out.
Like Green With You says, there are a lot of ways this can roll out, but a lot of them are potentially positive. Or she could be horrible! Being open to meeting this woman is not rejecting your mother. Shunning the other sibling will not make her go away. I would encourage you to make sure you don't "shield" your mother from the knowledge that you have met this other daughter if you do.
The secrecy and lies and people making decisions about how your mother will feel about things to protect her has gone on more than long enough and not been a service to her.
She absolutely, positively needs to be granted the autonomy to decide how she feels about things herself.
Last, I don't know how you feel but for me, and maybe for you or your mum, the decade of secrets and lies would be the hardest aspect to cope with. It is easier to blame or reject this unknown, distant woman than rage at your own father or husband. But unless there's a part of this story you've not shared, none of this is her fault. If you can reach a place of compassion for her, it may make your choices less burdened.
Perhaps having watched a somewhat similar situation play out as a not-directly-involved participant will be of some use to you. Feel free to memail me if you like.
It's not her fault your dad's a jerk. It is not fair for your dad to make a huge song and dance out of what has been a normal part of families since Og of the river clan went trading with the people-who-like-to-wander-around-the-hills in his youth, but married the nice girl from the nest next door and then many years later one of the visiting traders from the hills showed up looking eerily like Og and saying how their mother thought that the flint knives they bought sixteen years ago were absolute crap, so don't buy from that Og guy again.
People fuck, babies happen. The only crime is that your father behaved in a fashion guaranteed to maximize drama and it's in everyone's best interests not to let the drama get more dramatic. It seems he told the family not long after he KNEW he had another daughter, which was not until after the DNA test confirmed paternity.
For 11 years he knew he may have had a daughter and she presumably did not want to meet him or confirm she was her father. Telling your mother at that point would serve no purpose other than to give her the anxiety he must have felt in not knowing for sure for all those years. As for personal experience, a similar situation happened to a relative a few years ago.
In that case the son had been put up for adoption.
Half Sisters Meet for the First Time After 85 Years | santoriniinfo.info
The father later married and had a daughter. The "new" brother was by then a grandfather and had searched for his birth parents. The two families are now extremely close and the daughter is very proud of her new found family.
If I were you I would want to meet the sister. I personally feel that blood relatives do have a connection more so than the general population. For some it drives them closer, and for others it drives them away. When you are ready I would let both your parents know that YOU want to contact her, if that is what you decide, and that is why you are meeting. I am an adoptee and I would agree hearing adoptee reunification stories might be very helpful.
My fathers three children were not told I existed. They found out in their teens youngest in middle school and we met a few years later. His wife knew I existed but didn't know WHO my biological mother was. Weirdly she was already best friends with my moms sister and hung out with my mom without realizing she had had a child with her husband pervioiusly.
She was weirded out when she put that together! Also weirdly and I think this is rather coolmy dad's wife remained dear friends with my aunt, and my cousins on my moms side and my siblings on my dad's side hung out all the time as kids together. I think it has been hard for her, but she roles with it and sh'es a bad ass. Again I really really agree that seperating out that your fathers secrecy should be a seperate issue from your relationship with your half sister who was NOT involved in any of the bad decisions made.
She's just a person, and a person who happens to share half your genes. And in fact her existance really isn't connected to anything questionable your father did, and doesn't threaten your family at all.
He didn't cheat, she is not evidence of a transgression your father committed against the family. She is just a human being that shares your father's DNA and happened to come about before your family was created. She is one of his children. I think your mom needs to do some reflection on whether or not your fathers other child is actually a threat to her at all.
But the thing to be upsent about is the secrecy and the sense of betrayal. NOT the existence of the daughter herself. She's just a human being wanting to connect to a part of her existence-- family member who are made of the same stuff she is, who might share personality traits, physical traits, sense of humor, sense of purpose, philosiphical ideas and other aspects of herself that she has never gotten to see in that side of her family.
The experience for me was more meaningful than I can describe. My half sister and I are both outspoken, philosphical, non-traditional, ALWAYS up for a debate, stubborn as shit in a debate, interested in the meaning of it all, up for existential discussion, concerned about human rights, interested in increasing tolerance and understanding for the human condition, interested in discussing the idiosyncracies of religion which is fascinating because she grew up in a tiny 99 percent religious town where she was a black sheep in this regard -- We both would prefer everything to be said rather than unsaid.
We are different in that she is socially reserved and keeps a certain distance about her even when actively engaging with people and I am all emotionally involved in sharin the lovin all the time so of course, we aren't duplicates of each other. But still, it's been fasicnating. It might mean more to your sister than it does to you because you have always known people in your family so people who share your traits is boring and maybe even something you don't even notice because you're so used to everyone in your family that what you DO notice is the ways you are different or "total opposites" without seeing how many traits are there that really do share.
I wanted to share this because there are a lot of negative stories about this and I have no idea what the percentage of negative vs positive is, but wanted to throw it out there. Reading the negatives is important too because you might want to know if there are signs to NOT get too involved with your half sister if you do decide to meet her.
Siblings don't really have the moral obligations to each other parents have to each other, but if you can find it in your heart to to share thing about yourself, life growing up with your dad that she doesn't know about and be open to a relationship with her if it seems she is able to be mutually beneficial about-- it would be a great kindess to her on your part.
Also as she is older, she should look out for you. I have two half sisters and my big half sister is all protective and big sistery and there for me when I need support even though we didn't grow up together so you never know if she might actually turn up to be a valuable person in your life too!
Just to be honest with you, when I read your post I said to myself, "Oh. That's not really a big deal. Everyone here is kind of beating up on your dad and I don't like how he handled the 'everyone has to meet each other' thingbut I kind of feel for him. He didn't do anything wrong when he knocked that woman up, and he didn't do anything wrong by simply not knowing about the girl until she was in her 20's.
I do think that not telling your mom was not the healthiest thing for their relationship or for him, because it meant he had to deal with all of that on his own. But your father, being a bit of an older gentleman and perhaps a little old-fashioned, may have different values when it comes to this sort of thing. My father is around that age and Catholic and I could totally see him behaving this way.
He would 1 be ashamed of the pre-marital sex and impregnating someone, 2 feel like he is keeping his family and wife together and "normal" by not telling, and 3 feel like this is something he should just deal with on his own older men can be like that A LOT. I'm not saying your father is exactly like my dad -- maybe he's just a total cad! None of that would excuse him not telling your mom for 11 years, but perhaps he was doing what he thought was best.
This whole 'you have to meet her' thing is probably his bumbling way of trying to make everything right and maybe to make himself feel betterbut you don't have to play along with that.
He really just needs to come to terms with this himself and work on his marriage without forcing anyone to become a happy family. Definitely be firm and say you'll meet her on your own time and terms, if at all. And also, try to have some compassion for the other daughter, even if you choose not to meet her.
Think of what this has been like for her. Your dad shouldn't be pressuring you to do this. But if she wants to meet you, you might want to give her a shot, for her sake, not your dad's. Before he told us, they did DNA tests AND the first time he was ever informed of the possible daughter was after she was grown and past the age of support. And daughter did not contact him until recently. What, exactly, should your father have done?
Same authority figures, same house, eating together, same festivities, common family activities, etc. In your case you share very little. In fact the only thing is that half of your gene pool comes from the same creature - your mother.
And that is almost meaningless. In fact there is almost no difference in the relationship between you and me, and you and them. They are total strangers who might have some information you would like to have and that's how I would treat them.
At least kind enough to get the information, more if you feel like it. Your Mothers reasoning You told us about a letter you have from your biological mother. Without telling its content it creates quite some variance to the situation. I think the situation depends on why your mother gave you away. She could have done it for a good reason i. I recommend going through the letter again and trying to figure out why your mother wanted you to never contact her.
If she gave a valid reason you might want to let go. After chatting for a year or so and getting to know each other a little bit, Mandi and her boyfriend Mike came and visited me here in Evansville for 3 days. I can honestly say that being 22 years old and hugging a half-sister you have never met before in your life in a random hotel parking lot is one of the craziest feelings I have ever had. I'm not a particularly emotional person but my heart was pounding, I was happy, terrified, curious, confused and probably other emotions.
The first thing we did was go to Lamasco for breakfast. There we discussed our personal lives a little, some of our interests, a little bit about my dad and sort of tried to plan the rest of our weekend. Aside from a few awkward pauses where I wasn't sure what to say, things went great. We then moved over to Ri Ra Irish Pub and had several pints while discussing our respective cities. I've always felt I had ties to Cleveland since I was born so close but I knew little about it.
They broke things down for me and asked me about Evansville, growing up in the area and different things about my girlfriend, Jenna. We wrapped up the evening with margaritas at Hacienda and by bowling at AMF which served as a great way to bond over something we're all terrible at! Saturday, the four of us piled in my car and headed up to Holiday World for a great time.
Mandi and Mike are both huge roller coaster junkies similar to Jenna and I, so things really worked out. It was so nice to see them laughing, smiling and just making small talk while waiting in lines for things or walking around the park. After a day of baking in the sun and riding coasters, we traveled back to Evansville and cooled off with several pints at Gerst Haus, my favorite local beer spot.